Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Oh, The Worry
So, almost 2005. It means school will start. I hate that. I have no problems with going to school but it's opening it's door waayyy too early. I mean, January 3rd? I haven't even got new uniforms yet, or shoes, in fact, I have no idea what to wear, either the usual school uniform or the one that I usually wear coz I'm a librarian see. And if I get my PMR exam results on 28th (they're not sure yet when) only 5 days till school starts. And I'm not even sure which class should I enter!?! Arrgghh~~~!!!!!!!!

It's either science or art. Either being Einstien or Da Vinci, but technically, Da Vinci was also some sort of scientist.. ahhhh.... Either Bill Gates or Neil Buchanan (watch Art Attack).. Who is a known artist nowadays? I forgot.. hmmnn...

I was thinking of entering the LKTK class, which is some sort of a course of engineering/architectural but I don't wanna be an architect or engineer or electrician or whatever that leads to. Honestly, I'm not even sure what to do when I grow up, and it's not that far away... only 2 more years of highschool and then I'm off. But if I get into those computer-related-programming and stuff... no way, there's just too many people who's taken up IT and I don't wanna be jobless when I graduate. But I'm torn between that or pure science. If I enter LKTK, no Biology and no biology means I can't take medic course and if I do take up Bio as an extra class, that will leave me with 12 subjects and my parents told me to take up art too and that'll be 13 subjects and honestly, that's just too many subjects.

So, if I take Pure Science, I'll have 10 subjects and if I take Art as an extra, it'll be 11 subjects. So, science, well, I always wanted to be a Forensic Pathologist, but if I take that as a career option, I'll have to get over my fear or being alone in the dark with dead people and my wild imagination. I usually think of a thing that scares me when I'm in the dark.

Or should I be a graphic designer? I'm quite good at the basics of using Photoshop, but I'm not good at it yet, a web designer maybe? But then, if people won't even download free ones that I have made, why should I charge people for it? Unless I'm Maystar. Haha! AND I'm not even THAT good, I am hopeless at tables, I can't use tables! I have no idea how they work, or that script that's popular at BlogSkins right now, the click this and this appears and click that and another will appear. I have no idea how that works! Aggrrrhhhh! I suck at this! Shhhiiitttt! *curses some more* I need another vacation.. tsk... but I have no time for another vacation coz school's open in 18 days! Shhhiiitttttt.......

And I'm not even good at drawing coz I can't even draw hands or ears for god's sake. And if I can't do that, I can't even be a cartoonist! I HATE THIS! And I can't be a game designer coz I can't do 3D to save my life (Coz I haven't learnt yet.. damn, time is running out and I'll be olllddd), and not a game tester or reviewer coz I USE CHEAT CODES!

How the hell am I supposed to live with all the competition? I don't wanna clean after people's poop to get money?!? I can't even get my room to look tidy! I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT SKILLS! AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT! AND I'M STUPID AS SHIT AND I LOST TO PEOPLE WHO'S A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME COZ THEY'RE A LOT MORE SENSIBLE TO LEARN AND STUDY AND ALL THAT STUFF AND I'LL SINK LIKE A BRICK IF YOU ASK ME TO BEAT THESE PEOPLE AND MY PARENTS THINK THAT THEIR DAUGHTER IS PERFECTLY CLEVER AND I WANNA BE COZ I WANNA MAKE THEM HAPPY AND I AM JUST TOO STUPID TO BE ONE. I AM SUCH A BURDEN? WHY AM I ALIVE IF I HAVE NO ROLE OR PURPOSE IN LIFE? Am I just another person? Am I worthless? Am I such a pain, another mouth to feed? Who am I? Why do I feel so alone at times? Is God the only one I can turn to? But I am thankful to be alive, I am... But I just need signs... to do what is right. I'm trying my best to pick up things along the way but sometimes I get too lost in my life to think what is important. People might say I should enjoy my younger days but what about tomorrow? What will happen if I don't make a change? What will happen if I don't think about things to come? I have no time, I'll be left behind if I don't think about these things. And thinking of them makes me realize what an awful person I really am, I'm just human, and being human can't make me perfect, flawless, beautiful or smart. I'm just me.

Like the song, please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again. I need help. But will there be someone along the road to help me?

Clone [*] 1:59 PM